Self-Sabotage...

What happened? I was doing so well and then suddenly I find myself, two weeks later, back in that hole.

I could list off a bunch of excuses...work stress, aunt flow, home stress, money stress...

But what's at the root of that? What is eating me? Why, when I was feeling so good did my motivation and determination fail for a week?

Do I just acknowledge it and move on? Climb out of the hole and continue putting one foot in front of the other? Or do I also engage in some analysis of the situation? Would it matter? Maybe it's how I respond that is most important...

Be gentle with myself and say, "okay...I fell off the wagon for a week and now that I see that and know that I want to get back on track, it's time to get back on track!"

I feel so frustrated with myself right now. I am looking at how I got here and why but nothing is coming to me. I don't think I really want to be overweight and out of shape...I mean, I don't think I'm self-sabotaging because I like being fat. I don't think I get anything out of that. I don't think it "protects" me or keeps me safe.

I am trying to do the work of what it is...but all that I'm coming up with right now is that I am tired. Actually this morning, I just don't feel good. I don't feel energized. I feel a bit down and depressed.

I think my fitness guru would tell me to get some therapy. But, to be honest, I've been that route and don't think I will find out anything earth shattering there. I've been through the self-examination and understand a lot about myself.

I think, for the most part that I'm constantly fighting against my all or nothing attitude...so that if I step off the path for even a few feet, then I'm off it for good. And suddenly I'm down in this hole and can't get out.

The last time I posted was when I was feeling pretty good but I think that going on that retreat threw me off my routine so much that I had a hard time getting back to it.

The good news? It's only been two weeks. In the past I would have stayed in the place for months before picking myself up, dusting myself off and getting back on track.

I have a goal too...a vanity goal, I guess. I want to look good for an event...it's a festival that we go too every year. It's on June 19th. So close enough that I need to work hard to reach the goal but not so far away that I can put off getting back on track.

I have another goal as well...to run in the Spirit of Columbus half marathon on August 30th. That gives me about 13 weeks to get in good enough shape to run 13.1 miles. I think it's doable. More so than me walking the Flying Pig half with only 6 weeks training.

Almost right after I fell off the wagon, I was emailed an article from http://www.peertrainer.com/ (don't ask me how I found this site...I must have signed up with them to email me articles at some point because they send out an email like every week or so...it's free and for the most part I don't open them unless something catches my eye). By the way, this is a fantastic site and really is a great resource...you should check it out.

So Peertrainer.com sent me an email called, "How can I stop my weight loss self-sabotage? A guide to identifying the patterns that trip you up." It's by Joshua Wayne and you can find the whole article here. The two things I took away from that article is that I probably focus on the wrong things...like not losing one week or get upset because I splurged. I tend to focus on the negatives rather than the positives...like I have made a huge switch in not eating fast food just because it's easy. I no longer grab those low-fat frozen pre-packaged, sodium laden "meals" for my lunches. I have made the switch to more organic, less chemical/pesticide/poison laden products. And I have gotten on a program of walking every day (except for the past two weeks!). Sooo, focus on the positive.

And then, the other thing I got from the article is that I need to exercise my discipline muscle. It takes discipline to change bad habits. I need to practice determination and persistance. I must take action. Being tired won't last. Eventually, I will have more energy.

One thing that I want to be sure to do is to keep posting here. Just because I fall off the wagon or take two steps back, I don't want to not post. I feel that I need to write about the hard times as much as I write about the good times. I was trying to post every two days before I fell into this rut, so I am going to go back to that. I think it's helpful for me and keeps me accountable but hopefully it's helpful for you as well.

So my climb out of this hole starts today. Right now...

Vacation doesn't have to = Weight Gain...

Though it was a short vacation...a meditation retreat of sorts...there was abundant vegetarian food and some high fat treats (chocolate cake and ice cream! Kettle salt and pepper potato chips!)...I am happy to report, I still ended up losing a few pounds.

I have officially left the 190s.

I was worried that I'd gained some back because I did NOT count calories while I was at the retreat and even had a couple bites of ice cream and cake and a few handfuls of potato chips through out the weekend.

I only exercised once. One morning I got up and went on a walk that was a little over 3 miles. But other than that, I really didn't have the time. We were pretty busy from day 1 through day 4.

I did try to eat consciously. For example...on the night that we had ice cream and cookies...I ended up with a dish of ice cream and two cookies (the organic version of Oreos). Well, I took two bites of the ice cream, ate two cookies and tossed the rest. On the night we had cake, I had two bites of ice cream and a small sliver of the cake and no more. When I had the chips, I made sure not to sit and eat out of the bag...I just put a few on a napkin and sat there and ate them consciously.

So this morning I thought that I needed to go ahead and assess the damage. I got on the scale and was surprised to see 189.

This is great! It means that I can go on a weekend and not be so obssessed that I can't have a good time.

The numbers...

Well, I had a feeling...maybe because I peeked the other day...suffice to say, the number on the scale is not huge. But I honestly am not as bothered as I thought I would be because I can feel change. I feel better. I feel healthier and I want to keep going down this path. Who knows, maybe my body will kick in and lose more over this next month...once I start coming into balance, my body may cooperate a bit more and let go of those fat stores.

Weight: 192
Chest: 46
Waist: 38.5
Hips: 44.5
Thigh: 27.5
Calf: 16.5
Upper Arm: 14.25

I think these numbers reflect a small loss. It's a good thing, right? I mean, it's not a gain...if I average out my gains for the past 4 years...that would come out to about +.83 lb per month. It's times like this that Biggest Loser trips me up because contestants on that show lose more than 7 pounds in one week. And I know that the body can easily lose 7 pounds in "water" weight. But I am NOT going to let the numbers derail me.

Edited to add...

My coworker Lauri pointed out something that I hadn't thought of...I was saying how the BL contestants can lose 7 pounds (or more) in a week and she said that last night's episode showed how much the contestants lost in 30 days when they weren't on the ranch. It was a revelation! I mean, the final four contestants lost 7-10 pounds in 30 days. Soooo, wow! I actually did pretty good. (And if you are a BL fan, that's 3.52%).

Now I feel much better about my results! Thank you Lauri!

Retreating to find balance...

I've been planning on attending a meditation retreat for months. The time has finally arrived and I am more than a little excited. I haven't had time off in the form of vacation for some time, so I'm really looking forward to this.

Fortunately, I am also pretty much responsible for the menu at this retreat so I will be able to control what I eat. It's basically an organic, vegetarian menu so I'm not worried about overeating or only having a choice of processed foods to chose from.

This long weekend will give me a good chance to do some deep spiritual work and to try and work more on achieving balance.

As I progress on this journey, I'm finding more and more that the whole thing is about being in balance.

It seems that I have been out of balance for the past few years. I think, once I turned 40, that my hormones and metabolism started falling out of balance and I wasn't ready for that.

For the past few weeks, I've been attempting to make a major change in my diet. I have tried to not only eat whole foods but to make all the foods I eat very good quality. I am becoming more and more interested in organics. I have attempted to eat mostly organic but I've also made the switch with most of the products I put on my body as well (shampoo, conditioner, soap, toothpaste, moisturizer, body lotion, deodorant, etc.) and with the products we use around the house (dishwashing liquid, clothing detergent, cleaning products, etc.).

The more I read about the effects of pesticides, chemicals, and poisons on everything we eat and use, the more I'm thinking that I want to avoid these things as much as possible.

Case in point...I've had this "eye thing" for the past five years. My left eye would tear up constantly. It was weird and really annoying. I had it checked out a couple of times but both my doctor and eye doctor thought it could be an allergy or dry eye or something like that...they just weren't sure. Well, I did a little research about sodium laurel sulfate...and guess what? It's not good for us...not one little bit and guess what else...it's in everything that foams (re: shampoo!).

I'll spare you the details...just google it and you'll find all the arguments that it's a FANTASTIC product and perfectly safe as well as that it's a poison that is cancer-causing. You can figure out what you want to believe yourself.

But, my eye? Since I quit using shampoo and conditioner that contains that chemical, it has not watered. Not once. That's enough for me!

And on top of all of this...I'm really feeling so much better. Better than I have for a long time. I am really beginning to believe that I can achieve my health goals...

But it's my anniversary...

A year ago today, we held our commitment ceremony but we celebrated last night by going out to a fabulous dinner. Now, let me preface this by saying...I'd done the 10k that morning so I figure I probably burned somewhere in the neighborhood of at least 400 calories (though I just ran it through a calorie calculator and it says 815!).

I had a really good and healthy breakfast (two organic boiled eggs, 1 piece whole wheat Ezekel bread, and a small organic banana) and a healthy lunch (mixed field greens with grilled chicken and orange tofu vinegrette).

Sooo...for our special dinner, I decided to be mindful but not calorie restrictive. I had two small glasses of very good champagne before we left the house. At the restaurant, we ordered a bottle of excellent Sancerre.

We had two appetizers: a shrimp cocktail with giant shrimp (I had two pieces) and a 1/2 dozen fresh oysters with just a bit of cocktail and horseradish sauce. We split a romaine salad with tomato and pine nut vinegrette. For the entree, I ordered the grilled wild caught halibut in lemon butter and served with lightly sauteed fresh asparagus and a few roasted red potatoes.

And then dessert...CAKE! It was a slice of lemon poppyseed cake with strawberry cream frosting. We split the piece and each had a few bites.

I wanted to celebrate without falling entirely off the wagon. I don't want to be consumed by dieting...and I don't want to feel like I have to be on a strict diet for a special occasion such as our first anniversary. I think I did pretty good. I guess I could have asked for the fish without the lemon butter sauce. And I probably could have not drank 2 glasses of champagne and 2 glasses of wine. I could have skipped the cake or just had one or two bites instead of 4 bites. But, again...I don't feel like I went completely overboard. I feel like I made some pretty wise choices (especially considering the menu!).

So today, I'm going to be careful about letting last night derail me. There's no reason to not pick right back up. So this morning I am back to counting calories and writing it all in my little notebook. Healthy breakfast? Check! Getting ready to go for my walk? Check! And I will have a healthy lunch and dinner...

Workout Synchronicity

One of my excuses for not exercising used to be, "It's raining, can't go for a walk today." That was also used if it looked like rain or the humidity was very high. It also morphed into, "It's too hot out" and "It's too cold out."

Since I started walking again at the beginning of April...you know, rainy season...and it has rained...but, for some reason, it has miraculously cleared up enough for me to go for my walks every single time.

All week, they have been predicting rain for today...for the whole weekend actually. And here in Cincinnati, this is the big weekend...it's the Flying Pig weekend.

Now, I realize, in my last post, I said I had decided not to do the Half Marathon. I didn't change my mind on that. I was pretty sure I didn't want to hurt myself since I felt like I hadn't trained enough to walk 13 miles this weekend (I've only been back to walking for 4 weeks). What I didn't think of until yesterday was that I could switch races.

About 10am yesterday I thought, "Oh...wonder if I could do the 10k on Saturday? Wonder if they would let me switch from the Half to the 10k?" I'd planned to go pick up my racing packet anyway, so thought I would find out if I could do that and if I could, then I would be walking a 10k this morning.

They did. I did.

Oh and the predicted rain? Completely and totally bypassed us. It was an absolutely BEAUTIFUL perfect day for walking 6.2 miles. Could it be that the weather spirits are trying to tell me something? ;>

And since I had worked up from being a complete couch potato to walking an average of 20 miles a week...walking 6 miles (well, 7 if you count walking from and to the car!! seriously, they gotta get a better system going for picking up the racers!) wasn't easy...but I did it. I just kept pick 'em up and putting 'em down...all the while listening to my iPod and walking tall.

Here's a couple of pix...not the greatest of me but I'll get there! One is during the race and that hill was KILLING me...it was just before the 5th mile. The other one is after the race...