Self-Sabotage...

What happened? I was doing so well and then suddenly I find myself, two weeks later, back in that hole.

I could list off a bunch of excuses...work stress, aunt flow, home stress, money stress...

But what's at the root of that? What is eating me? Why, when I was feeling so good did my motivation and determination fail for a week?

Do I just acknowledge it and move on? Climb out of the hole and continue putting one foot in front of the other? Or do I also engage in some analysis of the situation? Would it matter? Maybe it's how I respond that is most important...

Be gentle with myself and say, "okay...I fell off the wagon for a week and now that I see that and know that I want to get back on track, it's time to get back on track!"

I feel so frustrated with myself right now. I am looking at how I got here and why but nothing is coming to me. I don't think I really want to be overweight and out of shape...I mean, I don't think I'm self-sabotaging because I like being fat. I don't think I get anything out of that. I don't think it "protects" me or keeps me safe.

I am trying to do the work of what it is...but all that I'm coming up with right now is that I am tired. Actually this morning, I just don't feel good. I don't feel energized. I feel a bit down and depressed.

I think my fitness guru would tell me to get some therapy. But, to be honest, I've been that route and don't think I will find out anything earth shattering there. I've been through the self-examination and understand a lot about myself.

I think, for the most part that I'm constantly fighting against my all or nothing attitude...so that if I step off the path for even a few feet, then I'm off it for good. And suddenly I'm down in this hole and can't get out.

The last time I posted was when I was feeling pretty good but I think that going on that retreat threw me off my routine so much that I had a hard time getting back to it.

The good news? It's only been two weeks. In the past I would have stayed in the place for months before picking myself up, dusting myself off and getting back on track.

I have a goal too...a vanity goal, I guess. I want to look good for an event...it's a festival that we go too every year. It's on June 19th. So close enough that I need to work hard to reach the goal but not so far away that I can put off getting back on track.

I have another goal as well...to run in the Spirit of Columbus half marathon on August 30th. That gives me about 13 weeks to get in good enough shape to run 13.1 miles. I think it's doable. More so than me walking the Flying Pig half with only 6 weeks training.

Almost right after I fell off the wagon, I was emailed an article from http://www.peertrainer.com/ (don't ask me how I found this site...I must have signed up with them to email me articles at some point because they send out an email like every week or so...it's free and for the most part I don't open them unless something catches my eye). By the way, this is a fantastic site and really is a great resource...you should check it out.

So Peertrainer.com sent me an email called, "How can I stop my weight loss self-sabotage? A guide to identifying the patterns that trip you up." It's by Joshua Wayne and you can find the whole article here. The two things I took away from that article is that I probably focus on the wrong things...like not losing one week or get upset because I splurged. I tend to focus on the negatives rather than the positives...like I have made a huge switch in not eating fast food just because it's easy. I no longer grab those low-fat frozen pre-packaged, sodium laden "meals" for my lunches. I have made the switch to more organic, less chemical/pesticide/poison laden products. And I have gotten on a program of walking every day (except for the past two weeks!). Sooo, focus on the positive.

And then, the other thing I got from the article is that I need to exercise my discipline muscle. It takes discipline to change bad habits. I need to practice determination and persistance. I must take action. Being tired won't last. Eventually, I will have more energy.

One thing that I want to be sure to do is to keep posting here. Just because I fall off the wagon or take two steps back, I don't want to not post. I feel that I need to write about the hard times as much as I write about the good times. I was trying to post every two days before I fell into this rut, so I am going to go back to that. I think it's helpful for me and keeps me accountable but hopefully it's helpful for you as well.

So my climb out of this hole starts today. Right now...