My Hero...

One crisp, beautiful Fall morning, in 1995, I woke up with one thought echoing in my mind..."Go get a dog. Now." And so, I got out of bed, put on some clothes and brushed my teeth before driving over to the Atlanta Humane Society. As I walked through the adult dog section, I passed rows and rows of dogs that I could have taken in. I had at least 20 cage numbers written down, when I came up on a black and white dog who just sat in her cage...no jumping, no barking...just sitting there thoughtfully. She had the sweetest face. Her name was Oreo.

By the next day, I'd signed all the papers and she was in the backseat of my little red Nissan eating McDonald's french fries and speeding towards her new home with me.

Hero was smart and sweet and always patient with me. I wasn't nearly as patient with her. I wasn't nearly as good a mom as I could have been. And now, all these years later, I regret that I didn't show her that love, always. There's never enough time at the end of life to show that kind of love.

I held her face and petted her and told her that I loved her. Told her that we were going to let her go...that Prissy, and Maggie, and Bogey would be there to meet her...told her that she could come back and visit me any time...and before I knew it...16 years...gone. She loved me unconditionally. She never cared about my weight...what size jeans I wore...she always thought I was beautiful. I was Mommy and she was my Hero.

RIP Baby Girl...

The S Word...

"I see stupid people. They're everywhere. They don't know they're stupid."

Yesterday I was treated to a final act of passive-aggression by someone who no longer has any control over me. At least I hope that was the last of it. I never cease to be amazed at how entitled and just plain mean many people are.

A huge source of my stress over the past year has finally been removed. An obstacle that I've been trying to get around has finally been surmounted. And let me tell you, that was no easy feat. Roadblock after roadblock was thrown my way...and through it all I had to remain a professional...had to deal with difficult personalities...had to swallow my pride and just grin and bear it while losers with few people skills and abismal grammar tried to take me down a peg. Am I bitter? You bet. That experience is going to take some time for me to process but it is time to move on and make the best of the situation I currently find myself in.

More changes to come...what will be will be.

In the meantime, I am walking. I'm preparing for the Flying Pig. It's only 6 weeks away. 6.2 miles. It's a nice, long, moving meditation. Hopefully, I'll have nice weather for it.

And I am more motivated than ever. Over the past few days I've been searching high and low for my passport (it's quite possible that I'll need in the next few months) and, in doing so, I've come across a handful of photos of me in my 20s and 30s. I can't believe how much time I wasted then. I was so convinced that I was fat and unattractive. And now I look at those photos and I see a trim, healthy young woman with a zest for living and a love of fine things. She was bright and funny and joyful. I wonder where the joy went?

Somehow, I got caught up in doing things...constantly trying to get more and achieve more...be more. Isn't that what it always comes down to for people who are overweight? We feel that we aren't enough so we eat and eat and eat to fill that void.

And those stupid people? The ones who are behind the stress that I've been feeling for so long? I can see them now...for who and what they really are. For them it is about fear...fear that they are not enough...that someone won't like them...that someone will see right through them...will see how awkward and uncomfortable they really are...will see all the doubt that they carefully shove deep down everyday. I see that now and I can forgive the crap they dished out daily but it is a lesson I won't forget.

It has been said, "Everyone has the right to be stupid; some people just abuse the privilege."

Re-energized...

"Asking is the beginning of receiving. Make sure you don't go to the ocean with a teaspoon. At least take a bucket so the kids won't laugh at you."
~John Rohn

It started with me asking for it. And it ended with me asking for it, again.

I've been trying to make a vertical move in my company for a little over a year now. Finally, this week, it is offical, I am making that move. A new position. I'm very excited. And this excitement has completely rejuvinated me.

Suddenly, I have my focus back. Suddenly, I want to work out again. And, just as suddenly, I am more clear about what I want to achieve.

So to give myself the best possible new start at this new position, I'm going to do a little makeover of myself. New haircut. New wardrobe. New desk.

The new start begins on March 15th. Just trying to be in the moment right now.