Forgive Yourself...

I don't even know where to begin. Though most of the people who read this blog know me, and probably know all the events that have transpired over the past few weeks.

It has been hard. I've been fighting against the tide of emotions that have threatened to overwhelm me for weeks. This is a time when I must be strong and not fall apart. I need to be at my best on the job. I have a lot to prove, afterall.

So, I haven't been the model dieter since January. And now it's April...we're almost halfway through. I thought I was done with falling off the wagon for months at a time. Just goes to show, I guess, some things never change.

Got on the scale this morning and I'm back to where I was in October.

I do have some motivation to jump back on track and hit it hard...there's a business meeting in May that I'll be attending where, at times, someone MIGHT see me in a bathing suit. (Though, caveat...even if I looked like Heidi Klum, I don't think I'd want to wear a bathing suit in front of my co-workers). However, incentive to workout and eat a bit healthier is there!

So my plan is fairly simple...1200 calories of whole foods (no processed) a day and 500 calories burned a day. Mornings, 6am-6:45 gym, evenings, after work, a walk around the neighborhood with Riley. Twenty minutes before bed, a yoga posture or two. Seems simple enough...though I guess we all know how hard it will be. I think, usually, it's just starting that is the hardest part.

When I was in St. Louis, my sister and I went out to get Thai food. I was craving chicken Pad Thai. I have been emo eating for weeks and weeks. So i'd finished my pad thai....and was feeling very full and kind of pissed off at myself for overeating again. My sister got up to go to the ladies room, so I sat there and looked out the window...feeling kind of miserable.

And then I see some graffiti. In a very weird place. It was on the rim of the windowsill...in a place where you kind of had to be sitting exactly where I was sitting to be able to read the message. And the message??? "Forgive Yourself."

Yeah. The god in small things...just when I feel that I've come to end of all the light I have...the universe opens up and gives me a sign. Forgive yourself.

Forgive myself? So simple...right? So simple...and yet, I have no idea how to do it.

Is it about letting go? Is it about just saying...everything is okay...everything is going to be okay.