"Why Are You Fat?"

That's what Jillian asked the first female Biggest Loser, Ali Vincent.

Is that question so hard to answer? I was thinking about this the other day and thought about a woman I know who has been struggling with her weight for years. The other day I thought about her and suddenly I completely understood what her issues are. It was crystal clear...I know exactly why she is fat. And yet, I still can't figure out my own issues. I think this is a 'can't see the forest for the trees' scenario.

I have talked about this before...the WHY of weight loss. And at some point, had decided that the why just doesn't matter. All these years I've been trying to figure out the why and yet I'm still fat.

So, once and for all, here's why I am fat:
- I don't deserve to be skinny
- I give so much of myself to others that I have nothing left to give to me
- I am too tired to workout
- I crave cake and cheese and bread
- I am stuck in the loop of an unhealthy lifestyle

In that woman I was talking about above...I see a pattern...when people get close, push them away. Do I do that as well? What is my pattern? What happens time and again in my life?
- I lose weight and feel good about myself
- I gain weight and feel like crap about myself
- I work in jobs where I constantly doubt myself
- I surround myself with people who are hyper-critical
- I surround myself with people who feed the feeling that I'm not good enough
- I constantly volunteer my time and energy so that I have a never ending list of "to-do" items that have nothing to do with nurturing myself or taking care of myself
- I do my best so that I won't disappoint people
- I use food to distract myself from anxiety and depression
- There's something there about having to be perfect

Are there more patterns that I don't see?

Actually, I just read that list to my partner to see if she could tell me some patterns that I don't see. I gotta tell you, reading that list out loud was really hard. It's one thing to type it but by the time I was reading the 3rd item on the list, I cried. That's actually a big list.