The last few days have been good ones as far as eating and exercising.
I'm almost to the point where I'm going to weigh in again and check my measurements. It's been hard to not peek. I've done so 3 times and twice it was not a good idea. Hopefully, it'll get easier to just check it out monthly or maybe every other week or something.
One thing that I finally came to terms with was that I need to monitor my calorie intake and do, at least, a little planning. I have avoided Weight Watchers because I don't want to count points and weigh and measure everything. But listening to the JM podcasts over the last week, she's convinced me to count calories...at least for a while.
The thing I like about it is that I feel like I have some control. I feel like, this is something I can do and see real results with. I have been spending, maybe 10 minutes in the evening planning out my next day's meals...basically, I bought one of those tiny pocket notebooks and just write out what I'm going to eat along with the calorie count.
I also got a little calorie counting book that makes it easy to count calories if I go out to lunch or dinner on the weekends (as we are wont to do!).
I also feel really good about my walks. It's been going really well and I have only missed my walk 3 times. I've gone from couch to 4 miles a day. The walks are still pretty tough for me, so I haven't increased the mileage again. And the problem with this is that I don't feel like I've got enough training under my belt to go through with the Pig. As much as I don't want to feel like I've wasted the $75 registration fee, more than that, I really don't want to jeopardize my progress by bringing back the plantar fasciitis I got from doing the half marathon in 2007. Right now my walks feel good and my feet are really on sore on the weekends after my long walk and working around the house or running errands all day (re: being on my feet all day).
So I have pretty much decided not to do it and have shifted focus to another half marathon that's in Columbus at the end of August. I should be up to 7 or more miles a day and more ready to do a half by then. And, I think, it will help me to maintain my motivation.
I feel like the little engine that could...I am at the stage where "I think I can, I think I can..." and reaching for knowing that I can...
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Give me a break...
I was walking the other day...and listening to one of Jillian's podcasts...and she brought up the subject of forgiveness. She was talking about how every Biggest Loser contestants, when near the end of the season is presented with a cardboard life-sized before cut-out of themselves, talks about how much anger they have at themselves. That they say that that person is dead now and that they are a brand-new person and how they are so mad that they ever let themselves get in such horrible shape.
Jillian was saying how she wished that the contestants would understand that they are still the same person who happened to lose a lot of weight. And that they are still going to have to deal with issues as they move forward but that they should give themselves credit for changing their lives.
So all this got me thinking about myself...and how much I need to forgive myself for all the mean things I've done to myself...like not taking better care of myself. But also, I've been thinking about how I should give myself credit for all the good things I have done for myself...like quitting smoking and quitting my diet soda addiction. But for other things too...like going back to school and getting my degree...and for always thinking about how I can be a better person.
I think part of forgiving ourselves is about giving ourselves a break...I know that over the past 4 years, I've gained a lot of weight. But rather than get upset and berate myself for this, maybe I need to be gentle with myself about it. I went through a major life change...I moved from my hometown to another part of the country. I didn't just change jobs, I changed careers. I entered into a long term relationship. All of these things were good for me but all of them were also very very stressful. It's no wonder I ate high-fat foods. And getting into a desk job for the first time in my life...one where I literally sit on my ass all day long...that takes a toll. It's no wonder I gained weight and spiraled into low-grade depression and anxiety.
So I have been working on letting go of the anger and disappointment in myself. I am practicing being kinder to myself...
Jillian was saying how she wished that the contestants would understand that they are still the same person who happened to lose a lot of weight. And that they are still going to have to deal with issues as they move forward but that they should give themselves credit for changing their lives.
So all this got me thinking about myself...and how much I need to forgive myself for all the mean things I've done to myself...like not taking better care of myself. But also, I've been thinking about how I should give myself credit for all the good things I have done for myself...like quitting smoking and quitting my diet soda addiction. But for other things too...like going back to school and getting my degree...and for always thinking about how I can be a better person.
I think part of forgiving ourselves is about giving ourselves a break...I know that over the past 4 years, I've gained a lot of weight. But rather than get upset and berate myself for this, maybe I need to be gentle with myself about it. I went through a major life change...I moved from my hometown to another part of the country. I didn't just change jobs, I changed careers. I entered into a long term relationship. All of these things were good for me but all of them were also very very stressful. It's no wonder I ate high-fat foods. And getting into a desk job for the first time in my life...one where I literally sit on my ass all day long...that takes a toll. It's no wonder I gained weight and spiraled into low-grade depression and anxiety.
So I have been working on letting go of the anger and disappointment in myself. I am practicing being kinder to myself...
Thursday, April 23, 2009
How to get fit without going broke...
I have my own personal trainer and she doesn't cost me a dime.
Backstory: I have been obsessed with The Biggest Loser since it came out. I've never missed a season. Shouldn't be too much of a surprise since I'm practically a professional dieter. And, well, I'll just say it...I am a huge fan of Jillian Michaels.
She does a radio show on Sundays and the podcasts of it are free on iTunes. So the other day I downloaded all the posted podcasts and then uploaded them to my iPod. I started listening to her yesterday during my walk and loved it. Seriously, it's like having a personal trainer give you all the good tips and tell you what's crap and what doesn't work for an hour. There are 22 shows archived...that's 22 hours with one of the best fat-burning trainers in the world. Love it.
"Free" is important to me. As I've said before, I have a veritable library of diet books and magazines. Some I love and still use as references (I'll share those titles below) and many, I just skimmed through because they were either boring or had disguised themselves so that I didn't recognize the gimmick from the cover (I'll share those titles too).
I promised myself that I wouldn't purchase another book or spend more money on the diet industry because I feel like I've wasted so much money on stuff that just didn't work out.
I started going through a lot of my stuff...I want to go through a kind of spring cleaning, de-cluttering and get rid of all the stuff I have that I never look at or use. It's amazing what all we end up collecting. I have so much stuff and so much of it diet related. I was going through all that stuff the other night and realized that I actually have some good resources that I could use right now.
Favorite Diet Books:
Anything by Jillian Michaels (see above!): the last diet book I bought, before starting this blog, was her Master Your Metabolism. LOVE it! Much of what she says resonates me and supports where my eating habits have been moving.
The Eat Clean series by Tosca Reno. If you've been dieting a long time and you know all the ropes, then you won't find anything earth shattering or new here. It's all about eating whole foods and leaving behind all the processed crap. Honestly, the best one of the series is the cookbook. Lots of great recipes. People bitch about the recipes being high fat, but if you look at the ingredients list, the fats are from healthy sources like Olive Oil and avocados and nuts and seeds. And beyond that, they really aren't high in fat...most all the recipes that I've tried are lower than 10 g of fat per serving. Oh, and the magazine is great! Wonderful recipes and, to be honest, one or two of the magazines will tell you all you need to know about clean eating.
Weight Watchers Cookbook. With the caveat that there are lots of recipes with processed crap in them and that use of a lot of fake food ingredients (non-fat sour cream, butter spray, nutrasweet or whatever that fake sugar is that people love to use). However, many of them are easily adapted to whole ingredients. One of my favorite recipes is a beef stew that is so savory and flavorful...YUM!
The Beck Diet Solution. I really like this one because she tries to get you to look at your weight through a cognitive therapy model. Lots of good exercises and things that you might wish to do to help you make lasting changes. In the end, it was just too much work for me. I'd rather spend that time writing this blog or exercising or doing something I enjoy! Still, I did pick up a few little gems and I think this plan has probably helped many people.
The Wish-I-Had-NOT-Wasted-My-Money List
The Bitch series. I can't remember, for the life of me, the name of these books. Oh Skinny Bitch and Skinny Bitch in the Kitch. Okay. I kind of like the attitude of these books and they have a lot of good information, much of it about going organic and eating whole foods...which I like...but it's also about going vegan...and that's not where I want to go. Yet. I mean, maybe one day I'll give up red meat and maybe chicken too but I don't see that happening soon. And, at first I laughed and thought their, "You sassy bitch you!" attitude was cute but after awhile I was just like, "yeah, I get it already, I'm a sassy bitch!" I have to say...I do have the journal of this series and like it.
The Writing Diet: Write Yourself the Right Size by Julia Cameron. This is from the same author of The Artist's Way. If you've ever read AW, then this book is like that only focused on how to use writing to help you shift your thinking about food addiction. On the surface, it sounded good. I did the Artist's Way years and years ago (wow! am I really that old?) and loved it, but this book...it's kind of condescending and lame. I mean, whatever. Write yourself skinny, eh? I don't think so. I've been writing for as long as I can remember and I'm still fat. You know it's really the attitude that you just have to do this, this, and this, and you'll get it and finally not be fat! Bleh. If you're a fan and are intrigued, at least buy it used on Amazon (or whatever).
Neris and India's Idiot-Proof Diet: A Weight-Loss Plan for Real Women. OMG. I was so pissed at myself for having bought this book. It was an impulse buy, seriously. I was so mad that I didn't, at least, skim it before buying and can't believe I was swayed by the cover. Pink? I must have been in a mood or something. This is all about doing the Atkins. I hate the Atkins for so many reasons...but mainly because it's such a bad nutrition plan for humans. Anyway, this book, it's like a Skinny Bitch wanna be. They try and try to be hip and cool but they are touting the Atkins sooo...yeah, not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I wonder if they meant "Idiotic" instead of "Idiot-Proof"...
I think, what I've finally figured out is that after a while, you have to put down the books and get up off the sofa and go for a walk. I mean, reading is fine, and god knows I love a good book...but living in my head, instead of living in my body is not getting the fat off. And the best thing about going for a walk? It's free. (Well, if you don't count the shoes...gotta have good walking shoes for this!).
Backstory: I have been obsessed with The Biggest Loser since it came out. I've never missed a season. Shouldn't be too much of a surprise since I'm practically a professional dieter. And, well, I'll just say it...I am a huge fan of Jillian Michaels.
She does a radio show on Sundays and the podcasts of it are free on iTunes. So the other day I downloaded all the posted podcasts and then uploaded them to my iPod. I started listening to her yesterday during my walk and loved it. Seriously, it's like having a personal trainer give you all the good tips and tell you what's crap and what doesn't work for an hour. There are 22 shows archived...that's 22 hours with one of the best fat-burning trainers in the world. Love it.
"Free" is important to me. As I've said before, I have a veritable library of diet books and magazines. Some I love and still use as references (I'll share those titles below) and many, I just skimmed through because they were either boring or had disguised themselves so that I didn't recognize the gimmick from the cover (I'll share those titles too).
I promised myself that I wouldn't purchase another book or spend more money on the diet industry because I feel like I've wasted so much money on stuff that just didn't work out.
I started going through a lot of my stuff...I want to go through a kind of spring cleaning, de-cluttering and get rid of all the stuff I have that I never look at or use. It's amazing what all we end up collecting. I have so much stuff and so much of it diet related. I was going through all that stuff the other night and realized that I actually have some good resources that I could use right now.
Favorite Diet Books:
Anything by Jillian Michaels (see above!): the last diet book I bought, before starting this blog, was her Master Your Metabolism. LOVE it! Much of what she says resonates me and supports where my eating habits have been moving.
The Eat Clean series by Tosca Reno. If you've been dieting a long time and you know all the ropes, then you won't find anything earth shattering or new here. It's all about eating whole foods and leaving behind all the processed crap. Honestly, the best one of the series is the cookbook. Lots of great recipes. People bitch about the recipes being high fat, but if you look at the ingredients list, the fats are from healthy sources like Olive Oil and avocados and nuts and seeds. And beyond that, they really aren't high in fat...most all the recipes that I've tried are lower than 10 g of fat per serving. Oh, and the magazine is great! Wonderful recipes and, to be honest, one or two of the magazines will tell you all you need to know about clean eating.
Weight Watchers Cookbook. With the caveat that there are lots of recipes with processed crap in them and that use of a lot of fake food ingredients (non-fat sour cream, butter spray, nutrasweet or whatever that fake sugar is that people love to use). However, many of them are easily adapted to whole ingredients. One of my favorite recipes is a beef stew that is so savory and flavorful...YUM!
The Beck Diet Solution. I really like this one because she tries to get you to look at your weight through a cognitive therapy model. Lots of good exercises and things that you might wish to do to help you make lasting changes. In the end, it was just too much work for me. I'd rather spend that time writing this blog or exercising or doing something I enjoy! Still, I did pick up a few little gems and I think this plan has probably helped many people.
The Wish-I-Had-NOT-Wasted-My-Money List
The Bitch series. I can't remember, for the life of me, the name of these books. Oh Skinny Bitch and Skinny Bitch in the Kitch. Okay. I kind of like the attitude of these books and they have a lot of good information, much of it about going organic and eating whole foods...which I like...but it's also about going vegan...and that's not where I want to go. Yet. I mean, maybe one day I'll give up red meat and maybe chicken too but I don't see that happening soon. And, at first I laughed and thought their, "You sassy bitch you!" attitude was cute but after awhile I was just like, "yeah, I get it already, I'm a sassy bitch!" I have to say...I do have the journal of this series and like it.
The Writing Diet: Write Yourself the Right Size by Julia Cameron. This is from the same author of The Artist's Way. If you've ever read AW, then this book is like that only focused on how to use writing to help you shift your thinking about food addiction. On the surface, it sounded good. I did the Artist's Way years and years ago (wow! am I really that old?) and loved it, but this book...it's kind of condescending and lame. I mean, whatever. Write yourself skinny, eh? I don't think so. I've been writing for as long as I can remember and I'm still fat. You know it's really the attitude that you just have to do this, this, and this, and you'll get it and finally not be fat! Bleh. If you're a fan and are intrigued, at least buy it used on Amazon (or whatever).
Neris and India's Idiot-Proof Diet: A Weight-Loss Plan for Real Women. OMG. I was so pissed at myself for having bought this book. It was an impulse buy, seriously. I was so mad that I didn't, at least, skim it before buying and can't believe I was swayed by the cover. Pink? I must have been in a mood or something. This is all about doing the Atkins. I hate the Atkins for so many reasons...but mainly because it's such a bad nutrition plan for humans. Anyway, this book, it's like a Skinny Bitch wanna be. They try and try to be hip and cool but they are touting the Atkins sooo...yeah, not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I wonder if they meant "Idiotic" instead of "Idiot-Proof"...
I think, what I've finally figured out is that after a while, you have to put down the books and get up off the sofa and go for a walk. I mean, reading is fine, and god knows I love a good book...but living in my head, instead of living in my body is not getting the fat off. And the best thing about going for a walk? It's free. (Well, if you don't count the shoes...gotta have good walking shoes for this!).
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
A Piece of Cake...
That's all it took to throw me off my game. Well, I think that, and being frustrated with my lack of progress.
We all have excuses why we fall off the wagon. It's Thanksgiving, it's Christmas, it's Easter, it's my birthday, it's my partner's birthday, it's an old friend's birthday...I'll start again on Monday.
For me, it was my partner's birthday. Actually, I did fairly well...considering the whole weekend. I ate healthy. But I did have a small piece of cake on Friday and again on Saturday. I think that was my undoing...and then on Sunday, I just didn't have time to fit my walk in. So I was feeling pretty bad about myself.
Yesterday, Monday, I tried to find my way out of that hole again. I intended to go for my walk as soon as I finished work...but....my excuse this time? My two bosses told me they wanted me to start attending customer-facing presentations beginning today. And I knew I had nothing professional to wear...only buisness casual. So, I didn't go for my walk after work, I went shopping.
By the time I got home it was late. So I made a big pot of homemade veggie soup. I thought that it would be good for me to have something healthy and quick for a few days. I have no problem eating the same thing for lunch and dinner for a couple of days. And this will give me some measure of control and make me feel like I'm doing something to reach my health goals.
I will be back to walking tonight. No matter what. Something I already knew but was reminded of on Sunday and Monday...putting myself first is not being selfish, it's being Self-filling. I need those walks and am putting them back at the top of my priority list. Only two weeks of training left before the half-marathon.
I want to be able to do this without a huge struggle. I am nervous because I know that it's going to be hard. I'm going to have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other...I know I can do it. I've done it before.
I just need to hang on to my determination.
We all have excuses why we fall off the wagon. It's Thanksgiving, it's Christmas, it's Easter, it's my birthday, it's my partner's birthday, it's an old friend's birthday...I'll start again on Monday.
For me, it was my partner's birthday. Actually, I did fairly well...considering the whole weekend. I ate healthy. But I did have a small piece of cake on Friday and again on Saturday. I think that was my undoing...and then on Sunday, I just didn't have time to fit my walk in. So I was feeling pretty bad about myself.
Yesterday, Monday, I tried to find my way out of that hole again. I intended to go for my walk as soon as I finished work...but....my excuse this time? My two bosses told me they wanted me to start attending customer-facing presentations beginning today. And I knew I had nothing professional to wear...only buisness casual. So, I didn't go for my walk after work, I went shopping.
By the time I got home it was late. So I made a big pot of homemade veggie soup. I thought that it would be good for me to have something healthy and quick for a few days. I have no problem eating the same thing for lunch and dinner for a couple of days. And this will give me some measure of control and make me feel like I'm doing something to reach my health goals.
I will be back to walking tonight. No matter what. Something I already knew but was reminded of on Sunday and Monday...putting myself first is not being selfish, it's being Self-filling. I need those walks and am putting them back at the top of my priority list. Only two weeks of training left before the half-marathon.
I want to be able to do this without a huge struggle. I am nervous because I know that it's going to be hard. I'm going to have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other...I know I can do it. I've done it before.
I just need to hang on to my determination.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Performance Reviews and Taxes and Hormones, Oh My!
Or...Confessions of a Peri-Menopausal Chronic Dietrix!
Yesterday was not a good day for me. My anxiety levels are through the roof right now. Like most of America (and probably the world), I'm constantly fearful of being laid-off.
On top of that, my annual performance review was scheduled for today. My anxiety has been high surrounding this. I hate these kinds of things. I probably over think them. I always expect to be told that I suck. Gee, you think this is related to my self-esteem/self-love issues? Eight years of therapy, folks!
On the one hand, I know that I've done a lot of good things for this company. But you know what they say, "One 'oh shit' can wipe out a hundred 'atta girls'...I admit it, I'm not perfect. There's bound to be one or two things my boss can harp on.
Taxes. The good news? I did them on time. If I did them right remains to be seen. Apparently I've not done them right over the past few years because every year I get a bill from the IRS. Maybe I need to start hiring someone to do them...it's just too confusing.
Hormones, I think, are contributing to my anxiety and MUST be adding to physical factors - such as hunger (more on this later) and bloat. I could barely put on my rings yesterday and today.
So last night...ack. It was one of those cold rainy days. I'd psyched myself up about going for a walk no matter what. When I got home I changed into my walking clothes and hit the road with the dog. But pretty quickly I realized how tired and cold I was. I made it through the walk and tried to be upbeat about it but I'm sure I was a bit slower than normal.
I got in and put dinner on (wild caught, baked salmon, plain baked potato, and brussels sprouts). But I was just ravenous, so I had a little packet of whole grain crackers (from Kashi, 130 cals) and a small wedge of Laughing Cow Lite cheese...yes, both are processed to the hilt! So then I had my lovely dinner shortly thereafter.
But guess what? Old habits, right? Time for a bit of self medicating. In the form of 200 calories.
I know, I know. Not exactly a binge...but man. I felt/feel so guilty for eating all that. I'm trying to give myself a break because it's not like I ran up to Kroger and bought a cake and ate it. Don't laugh. I've done it before.
So then I made myself stop eating. I didn't want to be managing my stress that way. I did end up watching TV (since it's apparently confession time...it was the Biggest Loser. Processed to the hilt! I saw Fillipe act all drama queeny about Sione being kicked off. Seriously, he's not dead, Fillipe, nut up. And poor Laura got kicked off but not before getting a fab new hairstyle!).
I went to bed a reasonable time and slept fitfully.
Got up this morning and felt pretty good but still pretty anxious...and what did I do??? What pisses me off more than eating how I did last night? I effing got on the scale. Why, oh why did I do that? WHY?
Guess what I saw? The bloat should have tipped you off. Two freaking measly pounds is what I've lost since I started this back on the 4th. At least that's what the scale told me this morning. I just felt so defeated. Hell, I could cry right now just typing it out.
And why, exactly, am I reporting all this to you, gentle reader? Because I think it's as important that I talk about the hard days and nights...the frustrations...as I do the easy days when everything is like a Disney movie (or an episode of Biggest Loser!).
Because I am still not going to give up. It is cold and rainy here, again, today...and I have plans to go out to dinner with my Honey. But my first priority is to get home, put on my walking clothes and go for a good walk. Then I'm going to make healthy choices at the restaurant.
And I'm going to tell myself (and you) that this is just one of those times when my hormones are trying to get the best of me. I have probably lost more weight than the scale is reflecting. And I know that I am well on my way to establishing some better habits (walking and making healthy dietary choices). Honestly, I do feel better. I feel like I have a bit more energy. And, I'm a wee bit proud that I'm working on 12 days of exercise in a row!
Oh...and the performance review went really well. My boss is really good at her job and is someone who highlights strengths over weaknesses (actually, she calls them "challenges") and so her feedback was actually higher than my own assessment.
Everything is alright. Everything is going to be alright.
Yesterday was not a good day for me. My anxiety levels are through the roof right now. Like most of America (and probably the world), I'm constantly fearful of being laid-off.
On top of that, my annual performance review was scheduled for today. My anxiety has been high surrounding this. I hate these kinds of things. I probably over think them. I always expect to be told that I suck. Gee, you think this is related to my self-esteem/self-love issues? Eight years of therapy, folks!
On the one hand, I know that I've done a lot of good things for this company. But you know what they say, "One 'oh shit' can wipe out a hundred 'atta girls'...I admit it, I'm not perfect. There's bound to be one or two things my boss can harp on.
Taxes. The good news? I did them on time. If I did them right remains to be seen. Apparently I've not done them right over the past few years because every year I get a bill from the IRS. Maybe I need to start hiring someone to do them...it's just too confusing.
Hormones, I think, are contributing to my anxiety and MUST be adding to physical factors - such as hunger (more on this later) and bloat. I could barely put on my rings yesterday and today.
So last night...ack. It was one of those cold rainy days. I'd psyched myself up about going for a walk no matter what. When I got home I changed into my walking clothes and hit the road with the dog. But pretty quickly I realized how tired and cold I was. I made it through the walk and tried to be upbeat about it but I'm sure I was a bit slower than normal.
I got in and put dinner on (wild caught, baked salmon, plain baked potato, and brussels sprouts). But I was just ravenous, so I had a little packet of whole grain crackers (from Kashi, 130 cals) and a small wedge of Laughing Cow Lite cheese...yes, both are processed to the hilt! So then I had my lovely dinner shortly thereafter.
But guess what? Old habits, right? Time for a bit of self medicating. In the form of 200 calories.
I know, I know. Not exactly a binge...but man. I felt/feel so guilty for eating all that. I'm trying to give myself a break because it's not like I ran up to Kroger and bought a cake and ate it. Don't laugh. I've done it before.
So then I made myself stop eating. I didn't want to be managing my stress that way. I did end up watching TV (since it's apparently confession time...it was the Biggest Loser. Processed to the hilt! I saw Fillipe act all drama queeny about Sione being kicked off. Seriously, he's not dead, Fillipe, nut up. And poor Laura got kicked off but not before getting a fab new hairstyle!).
I went to bed a reasonable time and slept fitfully.
Got up this morning and felt pretty good but still pretty anxious...and what did I do??? What pisses me off more than eating how I did last night? I effing got on the scale. Why, oh why did I do that? WHY?
Guess what I saw? The bloat should have tipped you off. Two freaking measly pounds is what I've lost since I started this back on the 4th. At least that's what the scale told me this morning. I just felt so defeated. Hell, I could cry right now just typing it out.
And why, exactly, am I reporting all this to you, gentle reader? Because I think it's as important that I talk about the hard days and nights...the frustrations...as I do the easy days when everything is like a Disney movie (or an episode of Biggest Loser!).
Because I am still not going to give up. It is cold and rainy here, again, today...and I have plans to go out to dinner with my Honey. But my first priority is to get home, put on my walking clothes and go for a good walk. Then I'm going to make healthy choices at the restaurant.
And I'm going to tell myself (and you) that this is just one of those times when my hormones are trying to get the best of me. I have probably lost more weight than the scale is reflecting. And I know that I am well on my way to establishing some better habits (walking and making healthy dietary choices). Honestly, I do feel better. I feel like I have a bit more energy. And, I'm a wee bit proud that I'm working on 12 days of exercise in a row!
Oh...and the performance review went really well. My boss is really good at her job and is someone who highlights strengths over weaknesses (actually, she calls them "challenges") and so her feedback was actually higher than my own assessment.
Everything is alright. Everything is going to be alright.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
How to build a ladder...
There's a story that I remember hearing years ago:
Breaking old habits, creating new patterns is such work. Yesterday, it rained all day and so by the time I was leaving for work, with a small window of opportunity, I began the drive home. As I drew nearer, the lightening began and the storm started whipping up. I knew I had to go to the grocery store to pick up some dog food, so I decided to do that first and hoped that by the time I was done, the storm would have passed and I would have a clear sky to walk under.
But as I drove home from the store, the rain began to fall heavily and I resigned myself to having to figure out another way to exercise.
I walked in the door and unloaded all the stuff I regularly mule to and from work (computer, purse, lunch box) and the groceries. I opened a can of soup and put it on a low flame and then went over to my laptop and opened it.
Old pattern. It was raining, I wasn't going to get to go for my walk. I could feel the guilt starting. But surfing helped me to push that feeling down. If I'd had a bottle of wine in the house, I probably would have opened it and poured out a glass.
My partner walked in the door shortly after I had just about talked myself into abandoning the idea of using the elliptical in the basement. As we sat and caught each other up on our day, I saw the rain stop and the sky begin to lighten...and something, somewhere deep within said, "Time to build the ladder..."
I said, "Honey, I'm going to go for a walk while the rain has stopped." I jumped up and went to change into my walking clothes. Got the dog leashed and headed out.
It was beautiful. The air was clean and crisp. We walked fast and took the big loop. As we were on the home stretch, the sun ripped through the dark clouds and lit the way...it was a sign, right?
I felt exhilarated. We did it...10 days straight.
On the walk, I was thinking about how easily it is for me to fall back into that hole. A small setback and I give in. It's not like we don't have other ways to exercise...we have the elliptical and a Wii Fit for crying out loud. But I didn't want to do the elliptical because it would be too hard and I didn't want to do the Wii Fit because it would be too easy...at least that's what I was telling myself. But if I think about it, both of those scripts are wrong. The elliptical isn't too hard. It's a great way to cross-train! And the Wii Fit isn't too easy...I could have done all the yoga on it. After the day I'd had, it would have been a good thing.
And who am I? Goldilocks?
I guess my shadow is. She wants things to be just right...it's too hot outside, it's too cold outside...it's too dark...it's too late...it's too early.
I gave away that thinking the day before.
So how do I get out of this hole that I've fallen into? And once out, how do I avoid it? The parable of recovery above says it all, right? Walk down a different street. I'll have to think about that. Right now I'm just trying to build the ladder.
The thing that makes it so hard for me to get out of this hole, this rut, is that I'm very, very good at making the rut into a comfy place. I fill the house with yummy things to eat, like cake and bread and cheese and wine. I surround myself with things that will entertain me...television, computers, music, books...and I forget that those things can't replace love. They don't nurture me. How can I ever feel full when I'm feeding myself things that, ultimately, don't nourish me?
I was so tempted to weigh myself this morning. The tug of that old habit was strong and hard to fight. I was feeling like, "Surely I've lost 3 or 4 pounds since I last weighed!" But I don't want to get on the scale because I know I put way too much stock in those numbers and I know if I don't see what I want to see or what I expect to see, I will be disappointed. And that disappointment will derail me. I will go back down that hole...and I'm so much closer to the top now...I don't want to go back down a few rungs.
It's raining again today.
The first day, you are walking down the street and fall into a hole. It's deep
and you are shocked and pissed. "Who put this here?!!" "It's all their fault I'm
in here." You thrash around and throw dirt. Eventually you see a way out and
climb out of the hole.
The second day, you are walking down the street and fall into the hole again. "Well" you say, "I've been here before and know how to get out."
The third day, you walk down the street and see the
hole, yet fall in anyway. "What here again? I tried not fall in."
The fourth day, you walk down the street and very carefully walk around the hole.
You congratulate yourself for not falling in.
The fifth day, you walk down a different street.
Breaking old habits, creating new patterns is such work. Yesterday, it rained all day and so by the time I was leaving for work, with a small window of opportunity, I began the drive home. As I drew nearer, the lightening began and the storm started whipping up. I knew I had to go to the grocery store to pick up some dog food, so I decided to do that first and hoped that by the time I was done, the storm would have passed and I would have a clear sky to walk under.
But as I drove home from the store, the rain began to fall heavily and I resigned myself to having to figure out another way to exercise.
I walked in the door and unloaded all the stuff I regularly mule to and from work (computer, purse, lunch box) and the groceries. I opened a can of soup and put it on a low flame and then went over to my laptop and opened it.
Old pattern. It was raining, I wasn't going to get to go for my walk. I could feel the guilt starting. But surfing helped me to push that feeling down. If I'd had a bottle of wine in the house, I probably would have opened it and poured out a glass.
My partner walked in the door shortly after I had just about talked myself into abandoning the idea of using the elliptical in the basement. As we sat and caught each other up on our day, I saw the rain stop and the sky begin to lighten...and something, somewhere deep within said, "Time to build the ladder..."
I said, "Honey, I'm going to go for a walk while the rain has stopped." I jumped up and went to change into my walking clothes. Got the dog leashed and headed out.
It was beautiful. The air was clean and crisp. We walked fast and took the big loop. As we were on the home stretch, the sun ripped through the dark clouds and lit the way...it was a sign, right?
I felt exhilarated. We did it...10 days straight.
On the walk, I was thinking about how easily it is for me to fall back into that hole. A small setback and I give in. It's not like we don't have other ways to exercise...we have the elliptical and a Wii Fit for crying out loud. But I didn't want to do the elliptical because it would be too hard and I didn't want to do the Wii Fit because it would be too easy...at least that's what I was telling myself. But if I think about it, both of those scripts are wrong. The elliptical isn't too hard. It's a great way to cross-train! And the Wii Fit isn't too easy...I could have done all the yoga on it. After the day I'd had, it would have been a good thing.
And who am I? Goldilocks?
I guess my shadow is. She wants things to be just right...it's too hot outside, it's too cold outside...it's too dark...it's too late...it's too early.
I gave away that thinking the day before.
So how do I get out of this hole that I've fallen into? And once out, how do I avoid it? The parable of recovery above says it all, right? Walk down a different street. I'll have to think about that. Right now I'm just trying to build the ladder.
The thing that makes it so hard for me to get out of this hole, this rut, is that I'm very, very good at making the rut into a comfy place. I fill the house with yummy things to eat, like cake and bread and cheese and wine. I surround myself with things that will entertain me...television, computers, music, books...and I forget that those things can't replace love. They don't nurture me. How can I ever feel full when I'm feeding myself things that, ultimately, don't nourish me?
I was so tempted to weigh myself this morning. The tug of that old habit was strong and hard to fight. I was feeling like, "Surely I've lost 3 or 4 pounds since I last weighed!" But I don't want to get on the scale because I know I put way too much stock in those numbers and I know if I don't see what I want to see or what I expect to see, I will be disappointed. And that disappointment will derail me. I will go back down that hole...and I'm so much closer to the top now...I don't want to go back down a few rungs.
It's raining again today.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Rebirth...
As I was walking today, I thought about resurrection and rebirth...I thought about how, to make way for the new, one must get rid of the old.
I thought...I need to let go of some old patterns...some old ways of being...
I give away my addiction to TV...how many hours do I spend wasting my time just sitting around, watching TV...waiting to be entertained?
I give away my fear of change.
I give away my excuses for getting outside to exercise (it's raining, it's going to rain, it's too hot, it's too cold, it's too windy, it's too early, it's too late, it's not light out yet...).
I give away my habit of eating something just because I am craving it.
I give away weighing myself everyday...and judging myself if I don't like the number.
I give away thoughts of "I can't..."
I give away thoughts of "I don't have time to exercise or make myself a healthy meal."
I am preparing to be reborn...I invite in change, time to exercise and nurture myself in healthy ways...I invite in "I can..."
I thought...I need to let go of some old patterns...some old ways of being...
I give away my addiction to TV...how many hours do I spend wasting my time just sitting around, watching TV...waiting to be entertained?
I give away my fear of change.
I give away my excuses for getting outside to exercise (it's raining, it's going to rain, it's too hot, it's too cold, it's too windy, it's too early, it's too late, it's not light out yet...).
I give away my habit of eating something just because I am craving it.
I give away weighing myself everyday...and judging myself if I don't like the number.
I give away thoughts of "I can't..."
I give away thoughts of "I don't have time to exercise or make myself a healthy meal."
I am preparing to be reborn...I invite in change, time to exercise and nurture myself in healthy ways...I invite in "I can..."
Friday, April 10, 2009
Mirror, Mirror...On the Wall...
When it comes right down to it...the nitty gritty of dieting is all about the pursuit of beauty, isn't it? I mean, when I starting dieting at 13...when I first became addicted to diet soda...the appeal to me was that I could drink soda that wouldn't have all that sugar in it. And what my little friends told me was that sugar made you fat. And, you know, the last thing we wanted to be at 13 was fat.
And that's where it began. Because where I grew up...one couldn't be fat and beautiful. Right?
So it was all about being beautiful. And being beautiful meant that you would be loved. If you were beautiful, then you'd attract the right kind of boy and you would fall in love and live happily ever after.
Wow. Those fairy tales did a number on me, didn't they?
It has taken me so long to really understand that beauty isn't a physical thing. As Helen Keller said, "The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they must be felt from the heart."
For years I have laughed at the notion that Super Models are beautiful...yeah, I guess if by "beautiful" you mean a woman with the body of a pre-pubescent boy with a boob job, then yeah, I guess Super Models are beautiful.
Alright, there are some really pretty models but, to me, they are so skinny, that I find that actually very unattractive.
Still...even though I don't believe in our society's idea of beauty...there's still something that makes me not love me, not think that I am beautiful, with all this extra weight.
When I pause and listen to what's in my heart...what my body says to me is that it isn't that I don't feel beautiful...it's that I don't feel good. Having a big belly actually doesn't feel good to me. When I overeat and my stomach is feeling really full, I feel physically sick. Somewhere along the way, I have twisted that feeling into "I'm not pretty. I'm a fat, lazy good-for-nothing!"
Now that's twisted, right? I gotta change the way I think about those things. But part of that is learning how to nurture myself that doesn't make me feel sick. It's about nurturing myself in a way that makes me feel "beautiful," I guess.
If you look to the sidebar on the right, you'll see a link to the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty. It's a little film that shows the Evolution of a Super Model...it's pretty interesting. The message is that it takes a lot of work for Super Models to look like they do...and yeah, I get that...but they are still super skinny.
America's Next Top Model...season 10 (TEN!!! It took 10 Seasons!) finally had a "plus sized" lady win. She was a size 10. Ten is plus-sized or as they finally said at the very end of the show...it's "full-figured"...my ass. And you know how they play with sizes. A 10 on ANTM is probably a 5 at Macy's.
Progress Update: I've walked everyday since last Sunday. I have been eating very little processed food. I have cut back on my glass of wine per night intake. And, I'm kind of embarrassed to say, I did give in to temptation and jumped on the scale a few days ago.
I really don't want to be weighing myself everyday or really every week. I think I get too wrapped up in the numbers. I think it is more important for me to focus on what I'm eating and moving my body.
So I won't be posting my stats again until the weekend before the Flying Pig. That'll be about a month from when I started this blog, so you'll be able to see my progress, if any, then.
And that's where it began. Because where I grew up...one couldn't be fat and beautiful. Right?
So it was all about being beautiful. And being beautiful meant that you would be loved. If you were beautiful, then you'd attract the right kind of boy and you would fall in love and live happily ever after.
Wow. Those fairy tales did a number on me, didn't they?
It has taken me so long to really understand that beauty isn't a physical thing. As Helen Keller said, "The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they must be felt from the heart."
For years I have laughed at the notion that Super Models are beautiful...yeah, I guess if by "beautiful" you mean a woman with the body of a pre-pubescent boy with a boob job, then yeah, I guess Super Models are beautiful.
Alright, there are some really pretty models but, to me, they are so skinny, that I find that actually very unattractive.
Still...even though I don't believe in our society's idea of beauty...there's still something that makes me not love me, not think that I am beautiful, with all this extra weight.
When I pause and listen to what's in my heart...what my body says to me is that it isn't that I don't feel beautiful...it's that I don't feel good. Having a big belly actually doesn't feel good to me. When I overeat and my stomach is feeling really full, I feel physically sick. Somewhere along the way, I have twisted that feeling into "I'm not pretty. I'm a fat, lazy good-for-nothing!"
Now that's twisted, right? I gotta change the way I think about those things. But part of that is learning how to nurture myself that doesn't make me feel sick. It's about nurturing myself in a way that makes me feel "beautiful," I guess.
If you look to the sidebar on the right, you'll see a link to the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty. It's a little film that shows the Evolution of a Super Model...it's pretty interesting. The message is that it takes a lot of work for Super Models to look like they do...and yeah, I get that...but they are still super skinny.
America's Next Top Model...season 10 (TEN!!! It took 10 Seasons!) finally had a "plus sized" lady win. She was a size 10. Ten is plus-sized or as they finally said at the very end of the show...it's "full-figured"...my ass. And you know how they play with sizes. A 10 on ANTM is probably a 5 at Macy's.
Progress Update: I've walked everyday since last Sunday. I have been eating very little processed food. I have cut back on my glass of wine per night intake. And, I'm kind of embarrassed to say, I did give in to temptation and jumped on the scale a few days ago.
I really don't want to be weighing myself everyday or really every week. I think I get too wrapped up in the numbers. I think it is more important for me to focus on what I'm eating and moving my body.
So I won't be posting my stats again until the weekend before the Flying Pig. That'll be about a month from when I started this blog, so you'll be able to see my progress, if any, then.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
The Magic of Motivation...
My momentum is directly related to my omentum. I woke up thinking that this morning. I think because I'd watched Dr. Oz on Oprah the night before (yay! TiVo!).
The omentum is nasty looking. Look at this. Here's another one. If you don't know what an omentum is, wiki it...you'll get a few somewhat accurate facts. But basically, it's a fatty piece of "mass" that sits in front of the stomach. From what I understand, it catches all the fat. It can get really huge. This was eye-opening for me, because I'm what you'd call an apple...so I'm guessing my omentum is pretty big.
Thinking about it makes me what to move my body and shrink my omentum. Yes, I'm weird. I've been dieting for over 30 years. It's crazy-making in that way. Breaking all those thought patterns is hard. I am motivated to shrink my omentum. At least right now.
What is most frustrating for me about "dieting" is keeping the momentum going...keeping my motivation level up. When I was on Weight Watchers, I haunted the WW boards...which, by the way, are populated by some vicious, nasty, hilarious, smart, and stupid people (it takes all kinds!)...and there was a school of thought there that you don't need motivation to lose weight. Or at least that you shouldn't rely on motivation. The saying went, "do you need motivation to get up and brush your teeth in the morning, or to take a shower? Then you don't need motivation to eat healthy and exercise because it's just another way of caring for yourself." And, yeah, yeah, I get that but when I'm hit with a craving for cake, I'm pretty likely to "care" for myself by treating me to an incredible, indulgent piece of high-fat goodness like cake.
I have tried so many ways to motivate myself over the years...this is probably why I have an actual library of diet/exercise/nutrition books and magazines. I've watched all the shows...Celebrity Fit Club and Biggest Loser included. (I haven't gotten into that one about Ruby, the really huge lady on, is it Lifetime? I can't keep up).
A little side rant about Kristen, current contestant on Biggest Loser Couples. Every week she goes on and on about how "if [she] can do it anybody can do it" blahblahblah. And every week I think, "Shut it!" Yeah, I'm pretty sure that if I spent 3 months on a fat farm where I did nothing but concentrate on losing weight...could work out 8 hours a day (with Jillian Michaels! screaming at me) and sit around and process my feelings about why I'm so fat and what has kept me from losing weight permanently for all these years and where I had the accountability of being on national TV...yeah, I'm pretty sure I'd lose weight. But Kristen...Kristen...you went on the show as a 350+ young lady...clearly, you had some issues and it took being in those special circumstances for you to turn it around. Talk to me in about 5 years and let's see if you kept the weight off. In the mean time, don't tell me that "if [you] can do it anybody can." Seriously. We all get that you're motivated on "the ranch."
What is motivating about shows like Biggest Loser is seeing the transformations...seeing someone lose weight and feel good about themselves. I think what motivates me the most is watching them exercise and get stronger. I wish the show would focus more on how those of us at home, without a personal trainer and/or the money to join a gym could work at home with minimal investment in equipment.
Right now I'm trying to keep my motivation pretty simple. I've created a short list of goals that might help me:
- Flying Pig Half Marathon (to keep me walking everyday)
- Fit into my golf pants by Memorial Day weekend (to keep me eating healthy)
Ultimately...I'm trying to finally make this shift because I want to like what I see when I look in the mirror. Right now I see someone who looks really tired and sad. I want to change that for myself. I want to give myself the gift of abundant energy and a good night's sleep. I want to give myself a sense of...I don't know...happiness?...maybe that's not the right word because I know from past experience that being skinny does not equal happiness or self-love. But I do think that my low-level, clinging depression is tied to my extra weight.
Meh. Still figuring it all out...
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
When Pigs Fly...
I have commited to walking the Flying Pig Half Marathon on May 3rd.
Some people think I have lost my mind because I have barely moved off the sofa for months. They wonder how in the world I'll be able to walk 13 miles after 30 days of training.
I've got a few things on my side. I am basically healthy...you know, aside from being fat. ;>
The only thing really wrong with me is that I have a very mild case of asthma.
And, I know from past experience, my body responds really well to exercise. Though I'm off to a slow start, I'll be up to 3 miles daily next week.
It is important to me to do this because I think it will jump start my commitment to exercise. I know that I need to move my body everyday if I want to be my healthiest.
Until I hit 40, I always had a job where I spent most of the day on my feet. Once I turned 40, I started working in an industry where I sit all day. I think this is part of the reason why I've gained 40 pounds in the past 4 years.
This week I'm just getting started. I'm walking around my beautiful neighborhood with my dog, Riley. I'm keeping in mind that I have the time to exercise. I have the time everyday to do at least 30 minutes of exercise. I can do this. I know I can.
Some people think I have lost my mind because I have barely moved off the sofa for months. They wonder how in the world I'll be able to walk 13 miles after 30 days of training.
I've got a few things on my side. I am basically healthy...you know, aside from being fat. ;>
The only thing really wrong with me is that I have a very mild case of asthma.
And, I know from past experience, my body responds really well to exercise. Though I'm off to a slow start, I'll be up to 3 miles daily next week.
It is important to me to do this because I think it will jump start my commitment to exercise. I know that I need to move my body everyday if I want to be my healthiest.
Until I hit 40, I always had a job where I spent most of the day on my feet. Once I turned 40, I started working in an industry where I sit all day. I think this is part of the reason why I've gained 40 pounds in the past 4 years.
This week I'm just getting started. I'm walking around my beautiful neighborhood with my dog, Riley. I'm keeping in mind that I have the time to exercise. I have the time everyday to do at least 30 minutes of exercise. I can do this. I know I can.
In the beginning...
I weigh more today than I have ever weighed in my life.
I've been dieting since I was 13. Oddly, though, I have been at a healthy weight most of my life. So, how did I end up here?
Where is here, exactly? Today my stats are as follows:
Age: 44
Height: 5'3"
Weight: 199
Bust: 46"
Waist: 43"
Hips: 46"
Thigh: 27"
Calf: 16.5"
Upper Arm: 14"
Yikes. And that's all I'm going to say about that, for now.
My point? This blog is about my journey from fat, tired (make that exhausted all the time!), and just so fed up and frustrated with my weight to the healthiest me I can be.
I am so sick of the "diet industry." Seriously. I have spent so much money over the years. I have a whole library of diet, nutrition, and exercise books. I've paid thousands of dollars to gyms that I barely even stepped into. I've bought so many exercise gadgets and pieces of equipment that I could open my own gym. (In fact, I have a "gym" in the basement of my house).
The diet industry is a $35 billion dollar a year business. I knew it was big business, but I didn't know it was that big. I think about all the money I've thrown onto that bonfire and I'm still gaining weight and it is so frustrating. I'm 199 pounds. And thousands of dollars poorer. The "diet industry" hasn't helped me at all.
So, I'm done. No more diet books, no more diet programs (Weight Watchers I'm talking to you!). I'm starting fresh. I forgive myself for all the diet failures I've had over the years. I am letting go of all the mistakes I've made.
My focus is on getting healthy...I want to rid my diet of processed crap. I want to feel good and strong. I want to go up a few flights of steps without taking 5 minutes to recover when I reach the top. I want to be able to feel like an athlete. I want to look good in what I wear.
I hope you'll join me in this journey.
I've been dieting since I was 13. Oddly, though, I have been at a healthy weight most of my life. So, how did I end up here?
Where is here, exactly? Today my stats are as follows:
Age: 44
Height: 5'3"
Weight: 199
Bust: 46"
Waist: 43"
Hips: 46"
Thigh: 27"
Calf: 16.5"
Upper Arm: 14"
Yikes. And that's all I'm going to say about that, for now.
My point? This blog is about my journey from fat, tired (make that exhausted all the time!), and just so fed up and frustrated with my weight to the healthiest me I can be.
I am so sick of the "diet industry." Seriously. I have spent so much money over the years. I have a whole library of diet, nutrition, and exercise books. I've paid thousands of dollars to gyms that I barely even stepped into. I've bought so many exercise gadgets and pieces of equipment that I could open my own gym. (In fact, I have a "gym" in the basement of my house).
The diet industry is a $35 billion dollar a year business. I knew it was big business, but I didn't know it was that big. I think about all the money I've thrown onto that bonfire and I'm still gaining weight and it is so frustrating. I'm 199 pounds. And thousands of dollars poorer. The "diet industry" hasn't helped me at all.
So, I'm done. No more diet books, no more diet programs (Weight Watchers I'm talking to you!). I'm starting fresh. I forgive myself for all the diet failures I've had over the years. I am letting go of all the mistakes I've made.
My focus is on getting healthy...I want to rid my diet of processed crap. I want to feel good and strong. I want to go up a few flights of steps without taking 5 minutes to recover when I reach the top. I want to be able to feel like an athlete. I want to look good in what I wear.
I hope you'll join me in this journey.
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