Performance Reviews and Taxes and Hormones, Oh My!

Or...Confessions of a Peri-Menopausal Chronic Dietrix!

Yesterday was not a good day for me. My anxiety levels are through the roof right now. Like most of America (and probably the world), I'm constantly fearful of being laid-off.

On top of that, my annual performance review was scheduled for today. My anxiety has been high surrounding this. I hate these kinds of things. I probably over think them. I always expect to be told that I suck. Gee, you think this is related to my self-esteem/self-love issues? Eight years of therapy, folks!

On the one hand, I know that I've done a lot of good things for this company. But you know what they say, "One 'oh shit' can wipe out a hundred 'atta girls'...I admit it, I'm not perfect. There's bound to be one or two things my boss can harp on.

Taxes. The good news? I did them on time. If I did them right remains to be seen. Apparently I've not done them right over the past few years because every year I get a bill from the IRS. Maybe I need to start hiring someone to do them...it's just too confusing.

Hormones, I think, are contributing to my anxiety and MUST be adding to physical factors - such as hunger (more on this later) and bloat. I could barely put on my rings yesterday and today.

So last night...ack. It was one of those cold rainy days. I'd psyched myself up about going for a walk no matter what. When I got home I changed into my walking clothes and hit the road with the dog. But pretty quickly I realized how tired and cold I was. I made it through the walk and tried to be upbeat about it but I'm sure I was a bit slower than normal.

I got in and put dinner on (wild caught, baked salmon, plain baked potato, and brussels sprouts). But I was just ravenous, so I had a little packet of whole grain crackers (from Kashi, 130 cals) and a small wedge of Laughing Cow Lite cheese...yes, both are processed to the hilt! So then I had my lovely dinner shortly thereafter.

But guess what? Old habits, right? Time for a bit of self medicating. In the form of 200 calories.

I know, I know. Not exactly a binge...but man. I felt/feel so guilty for eating all that. I'm trying to give myself a break because it's not like I ran up to Kroger and bought a cake and ate it. Don't laugh. I've done it before.

So then I made myself stop eating. I didn't want to be managing my stress that way. I did end up watching TV (since it's apparently confession time...it was the Biggest Loser. Processed to the hilt! I saw Fillipe act all drama queeny about Sione being kicked off. Seriously, he's not dead, Fillipe, nut up. And poor Laura got kicked off but not before getting a fab new hairstyle!).

I went to bed a reasonable time and slept fitfully.

Got up this morning and felt pretty good but still pretty anxious...and what did I do??? What pisses me off more than eating how I did last night? I effing got on the scale. Why, oh why did I do that? WHY?

Guess what I saw? The bloat should have tipped you off. Two freaking measly pounds is what I've lost since I started this back on the 4th. At least that's what the scale told me this morning. I just felt so defeated. Hell, I could cry right now just typing it out.

And why, exactly, am I reporting all this to you, gentle reader? Because I think it's as important that I talk about the hard days and nights...the frustrations...as I do the easy days when everything is like a Disney movie (or an episode of Biggest Loser!).

Because I am still not going to give up. It is cold and rainy here, again, today...and I have plans to go out to dinner with my Honey. But my first priority is to get home, put on my walking clothes and go for a good walk. Then I'm going to make healthy choices at the restaurant.

And I'm going to tell myself (and you) that this is just one of those times when my hormones are trying to get the best of me. I have probably lost more weight than the scale is reflecting. And I know that I am well on my way to establishing some better habits (walking and making healthy dietary choices). Honestly, I do feel better. I feel like I have a bit more energy. And, I'm a wee bit proud that I'm working on 12 days of exercise in a row!

Oh...and the performance review went really well. My boss is really good at her job and is someone who highlights strengths over weaknesses (actually, she calls them "challenges") and so her feedback was actually higher than my own assessment.

Everything is alright. Everything is going to be alright.